Dear For Love & Money,

My husband is really controlling with money. He sees anything I spend outside of the bare essentials as frivolous. We aren't wealthy, and we do have a lot of credit card debt, but we have a decent income, and we should be able to afford some extras.

The main extra we are fighting about right now is a gym membership. I'm "allowed" my $10 a month membership to a cheap fitness club, but I would really like us both to go to one of the nice ones with a smoothie bar, sauna, and a pool. In a perfect world, I would also have a personal trainer. I see it as an investment in our health, which is the most important thing.

My husband doesn't want a membership at all, and if I'm being honest, it shows. I get that our finances are important to him, and our credit card debt stresses him out, but I care about both of us looking and feeling our best. He is out of shape and always complaining about aches and pains. How do I get him to understand the importance of putting our health first?

Sincerely,

Gym Rat

Dear Gym Rat,

Couples who share a life also share financial responsibilities. But what shared finances don't necessitate are shared financial priorities — even if it might be easier when they align.

You say your husband is controlling with finances, but later in your letter, you ask me how to get him to put both of your health needs first. It makes me wonder: Is he controlling? Or does he simply prioritize financial fitness while you prioritize physical fitness?

To be clear, if your husband expects you to ask permission before buying basic necessities like groceries, clothes, or medicine, or he keeps you on a strict allowance because he considers the money his alone to control, this could indicate financial abuse. However, based on the other details you've shared, it sounds more like the root of your dilemma is a stark difference in priorities, rather than financial control.

What I find interesting about your difference in priorities is that, taken separately, I think you're both right. Both physical health and financial health are worthy priorities. If you can't get around due to aches and pains, what is the point of having money? And if you spend all your money on expensive gyms, luxury meal plans, and personal trainers, how do you plan to pay for all of those years you've tacked onto your life?

The solution isn't for one of you to persuade the other into your way of thinking. Our priorities are based on our ingrained values, and I can't think of anything more futile than trying to reason someone out of theirs. The way forward is to find a solution that may require each of you to sacrifice a little so that both of you can prioritize your values.

However, compromise is difficult because it requires us to analyze our motivations with brutal honesty. In your case, that might mean asking yourself if a membership to a luxe gym is actually necessary for your health, or if it's just something that sounds nice. For his part, your husband may need to ask himself if his aversion to spending money on his physical fitness is really about saving a buck, or if he's actually disinterested in being physically active.

That's not to say that being honest with ourselves about our priorities must be an exercise in self-denial, however. Your husband doesn't have to go to the gym if he doesn't want to. And you don't have to stay at a budget gym, even if your desire for saunas and smoothies is solely self-indulgent. However, an honest analysis is the first step toward the hard business of differentiating between our wants and our needs, and ultimately coming to a mutually acceptable compromise.

Beyond analyzing your own priorities, you will also need to stop analyzing your husband's. He isn't wrong; financial fitness is important, and if he is stressed out by credit card debt, working together with him to eliminate it isn't something you ought to be arguing any more than he ought to be calling your desire to get in shape "frivolous." You both need to respect each other's priorities.

Ultimately, you both want the same thing. He wants to stress less about money, and you want to pursue physical health in a way that is going to require some expendable income. And the best way for both of you to get your way is for you to get rid of your credit card debt. I say this not to take your husband's side, but because what you want — an expensive gym membership — takes money.

When you've been carrying it for a long time, it can be easy to forget that credit card debt is the opposite of that; it's money you don't have. Credit card debt often comes with high interest rates and negatively impacts your credit score, so your husband is right to prioritize eliminating it. Not to say that physical fitness isn't also important, but staying on your $10 gym membership seems like a fair compromise in the meantime.

Part of this compromise should include making a plan together to pay off the debt that's stressing out your husband, and another part of the plan should include your financial priority as well. Perhaps you can agree on a number that, once reached, will be celebrated with a new gym membership, and once the debt is paid off altogether, you can hire a personal trainer. Who knows? Maybe the excitement of paying off the debt will inspire your husband to join you.

You asked me how to get your husband to understand the importance of putting health first, and I'm afraid I didn't give you the answer you probably wanted. While health and finances rank high on the list of important considerations in life, in a marriage, at the very top sits the relationship between you and your spouse. When you share a life, you share outcomes and happiness — and that's something you both want.

Rooting for you both,

For Love & Money

An earlier version of this article was originally published in April 2023.

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Olivia Christensen is a freelance writer who has authored Business Insider's For Love & Money column since 2021. Her work covers the intersection of personal finance and relationships, and she is currently pursuing a master's degree in counselling. She lives outside Kansas City with her husband and three children, and when she isn't using her keyboard to share her opinions, she's probably hiking.

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